Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The Scott Boys Are Back!

The party is over! My three sons have been in New Jersey for six weeks giving hell to their grandparents. LMAO! Now they understand what I go through. It was a well needed break that I felt was well deserved. For six weeks I didn't have to yell, curse, threat, punish, discipline, pinch, pluck or give that look to any of my kids. You know that look. The look that says, "What the fuck is the matter with you?" But I did miss them after the second week. It felt strange after a while walking past bedrooms with nobody fighting in them or calling each other dummy or stupid followed by the tattle telling of somebody hitting somebody, plus clothes and toys scattered about the floor for their mother to pick up. What?
For the record, let me say this: "I'm not a cigarette addicted, alcoholic parent." But I understand how one could easily become that way. Kids drive you to means of escapism. I used to judge parents that smoked weed around their children. Now I understand. Parents that smoke weed around their children do it to not influence them to one day participate in the smokey madness but they do it in hopes that the child will catch a contact and sit their little punk ass down somewhere and chill out. Stop all this asking questions and moving about so much. Come and get some of this second hand reefa'!
While they were away my mom called me and spoke about how much they ate. I'm like, "Uuuhhh....yeah?" Listen, my kids are like goats. They know not the content of what they eat, nor do they care. They just sit down at the table and destroy. I think one of them has like four fingers on his right hand because he got so carried away with eating one day that he just went on and decided to eat his thumb. Like it was a Vienna sausage link or something.
So we pick up the kids after their month and a half grandparents retreat and the first thing I look at is their hair. I'm also a barber for those that don't know me personally and these three boys have never went past a week without having a hair cut. While they were with the grandparents they didn't get a hair cut the whole time. Do you remember in Jumanji when the little boy started becoming a monkey boy? That's what they looked like! Their hairlines had grown into their eyebrows and they had furry wide sideburns that looked like teen aged mustaches growing down the sides of their faces. And their neck lines were growing into the fuzzy little back hairs that they have. It was almost as if my sons had transformed into the Berenstain Bears!
Well thank God they're back. I can now resume to to my stress, thin patients and slight loss of voice. They said they had a great time and that they can't wait to go back next summer. Hell, I'm trying to figure out how I can get their asses up there during the school year for winter break!

Next Time....

Thursday, July 12, 2012


Beautiful people! Welcome to my blog. This is where I will once a week keep you posted on what's going on in my life because I know you care. Just off the top of my dome if you've never seen Adam Sandler's movie, "Jack And Jill", please see it immediately. There's a scene where Jill who is really Jack, I mean Adam Sandler, does a Russian type style dance move and I can't stop laughing about it. And I also can't stop laughing at my brother for spilling his communion juice on the pew in church because his wife slapped his arm because she thought he said, "Damn" in church!  His response was a pause and then, "I said MAN"! Maybe you had to be there but I'm still laughing at that.
Has anyone noticed that Tyler Perry and Madea and  Joe are all the same person? No? Well don't feel bad because I just found out. I'm lying! Which is forbidden by the bible. Should I have spelled bible with a capital B? I don't wanna go to hell. You ever notice how Christians will send you to hell for everything. You playing' cards on Sunday? You going' to hell! You drinking alcohol? On a Sunday? Oh you going' to hell! One thing is for certain. Hell has public transportation. It has to. Because  there are too many people going there for too many little reasons.
I've recently published a book at Smashwords, which is very exciting for me. I'm sitting on a bunch of illustrations and written material and was clueless as to what I should be doing with them. A friend of mine, Jason Luntz, me on to it and I have become very fond of it. Like the old dog that now has arthritis and needs a three steps ladder to get on and off of the sofa. Maybe I'll spray the arthritis with the TV product that numbs doggy arthritis. Anyway, I published this book, "Your Mother". Over 1 million sold! Not quite. But as many a pastor have stated, "You got to speak that thang into existence!" The book contains jokes in classic "your mother" set ups. I've also added illustrations for some of the material because as I was looking over these jokes I just kept getting these crazy visuals. The cover of the book features the title, "Your Mother" and an illustration of this chic with these really built arms covered with tattoos. The joke is a straight for the juggler, short and sweet one, "Your mother got arms like Lebron James." Now if you are a Lebron James fan I dare you to compare the tattoos on his arms and the ones I drew on this chic. I'm looking forward to writing volume 2. But I'm thinking about calling it, "Your Father". Dads usually get looked over especially if they were absent for reasons other than death so people will probably want to hear some really harsh jokes directed at the father species. 

The End